Yesterday, I had the dubious pleasure of attending the “Get Motivated!” seminar at the Cox center. (Hey – it was an opportunity to get out of the office for a day.) As you can imagine, the arena was full of outgoing, enthusiastic, motivated people, people full of faith and patriotism. I felt like a lonely period in a sea of exclamation marks, and was strongly reminded of why I hate most people. Keep reading, and you’ll find out why.

The seminar was basically a series of commencement addresses, punctuated occasionally by some “financial wizard” hawking his workshop. There were elements of the bizarre: pyrotechnic displays, an inexplicable (and very ill-advised) white boy rap tribute to the 80s, and a “beach party dance-off.” And there were plenty of reminders that I was in Oklahoma, home to the “God and country” crowd. Red, white and blue streamers drifted down upon our heads as Colin Powell took the stage. The beach balls that were distributed among the crowd for the beach party dance-off were bedazzled with the Stars and Stripes. And there were innumerable references to God and faith. So many, in fact, that at times I felt I was not at a motivation seminar, but at a Sunday morning church service.

The worst offender was one of the financial gurus, James Smith. I knew it would be rough sailing when he opened by shouting, “How does it feel to live in the greatest country on Earth? Anyone who doesn’t think so can just get out! I don’t even care!” The crowd cheered raucously. Defiantly. As if they were really sticking it to that “Blame America First crowd.”

You go, crowd. Nothing says “I love my country” more than cheering at some financial pseudo-expert‘s pandering statements – well, except maybe a ribbon magnet on the back of your SUV.

Unfortunately, Smith was just getting started. He seemed to enjoy reminding us every five minutes how much he loves everyone, yet would follow each profession of brotherly love with some of the douchiest remarks imaginable. For example:

“I love each and every one of you here today, because you’re all created in God’s image. I can’t hate anyone who was created in God’s image. Yep, even this crazy-looking lady here on the fifth row, who’s looking at me all jacked up-like.”

“Now, I know some of you in here don’t believe in God. Some of you are atheists. That’s all right; you won’t always be that way. I still love you! God still loves you!”

“I love everyone, no matter what color they are. I once gave a truck to this Mexican guy who worked on my house. He didn’t want to take it at first, but I told him, ‘Don’t be the kind of Mexican who can’t take a gift.’ He got so excited he wouldn’t stop humping my leg.”

In retrospect, I should have gotten up and left, but I was too curious to see what dickish thing might come out of this guy’s mouth next. Of course, the crowd seemed to savor every moment. After Smith finished, a man seated behind me remarked to his companion, “That guy was hilarious.”

That’s when I got up and left – but not before catching a glimpse of the hordes of people flooding the information tables, where they could sign up for Smith’s workshop. They seemed anxious to find out how to “make their money work for them,” and excited by the “special deal” Smith cut just for them. What deal might that be, you ask? Well, it normally costs thousands of dollars for these top professionals to come out and work with you on how to manage your money. But since Smith is such a great guy, he’s cut the cost down to only $99! Just because you’re all such smart, special people! And he loves you so much! Yes, even you, crazy-looking lady in the fifth row!

It was like being in the studio audience at an infomercial taping. It was also a case study in gullibility. I’m irritated, but also a little saddened, by how many people fall for this crap.

Another speaker who had my eyes rolling was Steve Forbes, who spent half of his allotted time railing against taxes (what that has to do with motivation, I haven’t a clue). And he was violently railing against taxes – as in, “We need to kill the federal income tax, and drive a stake through its heart.” As one might expect in this part of the country, the crowd went wild. Oh, yes – everyone hates taxes.

Not all the speakers were so awful. I rather enjoyed Colin Powell and Laura Bush, who basically just related a few personal anecdotes. They were warm, humorous and self-deprecating, and offered a welcome relief from the aggressive “USA! USA! USA!” and “God! God! God!” motifs. I’ll also admit to having long harbored a weird fascination with Laura Bush – perhaps because she’s so quiet, or because of my theory that she’s secretly a hardcore liberal, or perhaps just out of bafflement at the mystery that someone who seems like a perfectly lovely, normal, intelligent person could marry George W. Bush.

Then, there was the famous Zig Zigler – motivational speaker extraordinaire. Poor old Zig, who seems like he should’ve retired twenty years ago, was trotted out by his family. It felt vaguely exploitative. The guy has lost a lot of his short-term memory, and could only answer a few questions posed to him, interview-style, by his daughter. We were also treated to some “vintage Zigler video clips.” Zigler’s family should just let the poor man find his way to a nice beach where he can chill out for the rest of his days. This was just a really uncomfortable scene to witness.

So, at the end of the day – was I motivated? I’m sure my answer will surprise no one: no. I wasn’t. I left the seminar motivated to do little else besides disengage completely from most of my fellow citizens.