The older I get, the more I worry that I’m losing my social skills. I never really had much of a problem in this area – I’ve always been able to maintain one or two close friendships, as well as a group of casual friends with whom it was fun to go out and party. It came fairly easily.

But things seem to be changing. Being around other people, even people I’ve known for years, no longer feels as effortlessly comfortable. When I’m not busy worrying about saying something that’s unintentionally stupid, weird or offensive, I’m busy feeling utterly detached from the experience. I find myself spending more time observing and analyzing other people’s interactions than I spend on having my own. I’m always looking at the situation as a microcosm of humanity, trying to figure out the motivations behind the things people do and say, or trying to figure out why what seems so easy for them feels so difficult for me.

It’s cold and clinical and a little bit creepy.

Most of all, people just seem to annoy me more than they used to. There are really only a small handful of people that I care to spend any significant amount of time with. I’m less tolerant and forgiving than I used to be. I used to be much better about looking past the things that annoyed me, perhaps because of my need to be accepted.

These days, I’m more reluctant to play along for the sake of having people like me. The thought of laughing at their dumb jokes, or feigning interest in their boring stories, makes me want to die. I don’t feel like I should have to act like someone I’m not to fit in with them. The problem is, there are very few people who I can, unequivocally, be completely myself with.

Maybe I’m just so scared of being hurt or disappointed that I’ve gotten a little too good at convincing myself of my own apathy. (I don’t care. They’re all stupid anyway.) It’s all so clichéd, so Goth Kid 101. And it’s so completely bitchy.

Don’t for a second think I can’t turn that cold, critical eye on myself. If there’s one thing I’m better at than judging other people, it’s judging myself. I can tell you exactly what I would think if I read this post. What a smug little bitch, I’d think. She thinks she’s better than everyone else, but she’s even more boring than the people she complains about. She’s just mad because she’s not getting enough attention or something. And this post isn’t even well-written.

This can’t be healthy. Maybe I should start making more of an effort.

After proving to myself that I am, indeed, capable of physical activity on a consistent basis, I decided it was time to take it to the next level. I’ve been walking and running 30 minutes a day, five days a week, for about six months now. And while I still enjoy it, it’s starting to get a little boring.

I need variety.

So last weekend, Dwight and I joined the YMCA. I’ll admit to some initial qualms about the “Christian” part of the organization, but figured that was probably simply a holdover from the past. We’d talked a bit about the Y in my Nonprofits class this semester, and my understanding is that the organization has become pretty secularized over the years. Any religious references are likely to be vague, and besides – it’s not like there’s anything particularly spiritual about elliptical trainers. Plus, I figured the Y would be a bit more “family-oriented” than other gyms, which to me is code for “not a scary, threatening place where shallow, hardbody types go to check each other out.”

So, after reassuring Dwight that there likely wouldn’t be Scripture taped to the treadmills, or people on hand to proselytize to us while we do our strength training, we signed up. And having been a few times already this week, I’m so glad we did.

Back in the day, Dwight and I used to hit the Huston Huffman Center (the gym on the OU campus) every day after class for an hour or so. That was the most in-shape I’ve ever been, and I enjoyed working out there. It’s pretty impossible for me to walk or jog for much longer than 30 or 40 minutes without growing terribly bored, so I liked that I could do the stationary bike for 20 minutes, the treadmill for 20 minutes, the rowing machine for 10 minutes, and so on.

I really, really can’t overstate my need for variety.

So far this week, I’ve seen my exercise level jump up from 30 minutes a day to over an hour a day. I’m hoping that the strength-training machines will help do for my upper body what walking and running has down for my lower body (my pants/skirt size has dropped two sizes, but my upper body hasn’t quite caught up). I fear I’m rather oddly shaped at the moment. Picture a padded-up football player – kind of an inverted triangle-type silhouette. Yep, that’s me. Top-heavy to the extreme.

But all that shallow crap aside, my primary goal is to be healthy and fit enough to be able to do all the things I look forward to doing next spring when the weather gets warmer – 5K runs, long nature hikes with the dogs, maybe a biking trip along Missouri’s Katy Trail.

In January, a friend of mine is going to be joining, and she and I plan to check out some of the classes the Y has to offer. Kickboxing, step, spin, Pilates – a whole new world of variety will open up. For now, I find myself in the unfamiliar position of wishing the work day would hurry up and end so I can just go work out already. I have become completely unrecognizable from my former bar-hopping, chain-smoking self.

Well, I still probably drink too much.

What is your greatest fear?

Saw this over at Dustbury, and as I’m a total sucker for all things of a quiz or meme-type nature, I had to do it.

Oddly enough, I just read a few weeks ago about this particular personality test. It was discussed in one of the readings for my Organizational Behavior class as a tool for predicting job performance.

Basically, the Big Five model suggests that five basic personality dimensions (extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability, and openness to experience) underlie all others. While this Big Five model has a decent amount of evidence to back it up, I’m always somewhat skeptical of personality tests in general. I can answer the questions in drastically different ways, simply depending on what mood I happen to be in at that moment. Also, I tend to find human personality to be weirder and more complex than any model (even a reasonably robust model like this one) could accurately describe or predict.

Then again, all of this sniping could simply be a self-defense mechanism to help alleviate the subtle sting of my score – because, you see, I apparently suck all the way around. I’m closed-minded, introverted, disagreeable and high-strung. Even the one dimension I thought I’d do well on, Conscientiousness, showed me to be neither particularly organized nor disorganized.

My results can be seen here:

 I’m a O35-C47-E12-A22-N93 Big Five!!

Click here to find out more about the Big Five personality test, or to take it yourself. Good luck.

I’ve always enjoyed the Bernard Pivot questionnaire. I just realized, however, that this questionnaire is derived from a (much lengthier) version that was popularized by Marcel Proust. I dug up the Proust version, and thought it might be kind of fun to go through it, one question at a time. So, let’s get started:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?