What one thing would you most like to change about yourself? What one thing would you never change, no matter what?

Good Friday morning, everyone. Your friend Hypocrite here. Let me tell you what happened this morning, as I got ready for work.

I stood there in my closet, like I do every morning, trying to wake myself up enough to decide what to wear. I grabbed a shirt that I hadn’t worn in several months. It’s a short-sleeve, button-up flannel shirt. I’ve never been able to button any of the buttons on it except for the one right underneath my boobs, so I’d always just wear a tank top underneath and leave the shirt open.

So this morning, like always, I put on a tank top, followed by the flannel shirt, and proceeded to button the one button I could. But something felt different this time. It was like someone had snuck into my closet and secretly stretched out my shirt. Puzzled, I buttoned a couple more buttons. Then, a couple more.

It couldn’t be.

I stood there in confusion, looking into the mirror. All buttons buttoned easily, with even a little room to spare. What the…

Before I even really knew what I was doing, I was flying into the kitchen to tell Dwight about how I could now button all my buttons. “I’m losing weight!” I shrieked.

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt a little sick inside. How could I, having worked so hard to escape the surly bonds of our diet-obsessed society, get so excited over something so trivial? It’s perfectly reasonable for me to be happy about my increased strength and stamina, my improved sleep, my much-lower blood pressure – but to be so excited over being a little bit smaller than before – well, that just felt like the very height of vanity. I felt so completely shallow and frivolous.

Only I could take something that would thrill most normal people, and turn it into something to feel bad about. However, I’m slightly consoled by my continued refusal to step on the scale. At least I still have a few principles left.

* The OKC Gay Pride Parade is a helluva lot of fun.

* Finding out that I’m now able to run nearly a half-mile gives me a better feeling than any number on the scale possibly could.

* Watching Funny Games, Diary of the Dead and Soldiers in the Army of God, all within the same day, is a very, very bad idea – unless you want to spend the entire evening consumed by anxiety and depression.

On Wednesday’s episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert referenced this story in The USA Today about an upcoming partly animated, partly live-action Smurfs movie. The USA Today offered up a few casting suggestions: Colbert as Brainy Smurf, Ryan Seacrest as Vanity Smurf, and Hayden Panettiere as Smurfette, just to name a few. So today’s question is…

Who would you cast in the following roles: Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Brainy Smurf, Vanity Smurf, Harmony Smurf, Handy Smurf, Gargamel and Azrael?

Say that you’re at a coworker’s birthday lunch – at a certain barbeque place in Bricktown, for instance. Say that, being the most-of-the-time vegetarian that you are, you order one of the like, two meatless options on the menu – a simple side salad, for instance. And say that everyone else at your table receives his or her lunch while you sit there, still waiting for your sad little bowl of iceberg lettuce.

What’s up with that?

There I was, watching everyone around me devour their brisket sandwiches, ribs and hamburgers. And I wasn’t alone – my also-mostly-vegetarian coworker, who’d special-ordered a grilled cheese sandwich (not on the menu), was also foodless. After several minutes of watching our coworkers chow down, we finally flagged down a server. Our food arrived soon after.

I guess that’s what you get for being a vegetarian in a barbeque joint.