4:00 – 5:00 used to be my favorite hour of the work day. I’m pretty much the last one left in the office, and I look forward to being left alone for these final sixty minutes of the day. This is my time to wind down.

Or, it was.

Two things are responsible for my newfound dissatisfaction – one very annoying co-worker, and one very bad trait of mine. The co-worker is a disciple of Limbaugh and Beck, and one of those people who engages in monologues, not conversations. He rambles on and on during his right-wing diatribes, never giving one a chance to respond. One afternoon, he proceeded for nearly 20 minutes about how the U.S. should bomb Iran, all the while completely oblivious to my body language and facial expressions (which ranged from shocked outrage to resigned boredom).

I’m all for other viewpoints, but I also appreciate the opportunity to rebut and argue. This co-worker consistently denies me that opportunity. When I do manage to intercede (while he’s pausing for breath), he barely acknowledges my response before moving on to his next thought. I find this rude, insulting, and quite frankly, boring as hell. One of my other co-workers speculated that this guy might have Asperger Syndrome. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, but he would certainly fail any test of social intelligence.

What makes this whole thing a bigger issue than it should be is that I am completely incapable of telling people to leave me alone. I can’t be rude to people, no matter how badly I want to. And truth be told, I do feel a little sorry for the guy. I think he’s lonely and needs someone to talk to. Unfortunately, since I’m the only one in the office who has yet to rudely brush him off, I’m the sucker who gets to listen to him.

Once or twice a day, usually after 4:00, he comes around to my cubicle. He positions himself so that I am physically barricaded in my cubicle, unable to escape without crawling over him. For 20 or 30 minutes, I am then treated to his opinion on why Halloween is Evil, or why Tom Coburn is the Best Senator Ever.

A normal person would just tell him, politely but firmly, to go away – but like I said, I’m much too weak for that. So instead, I come up with ways to avoid the situation, to subtly send the signal that I can’t chat right now:

Pretend to be working very, very intently. I will not turn away from my computer. My only acknowledgments are short, monosyllabic responses (which are all I can have with this co-worker anyway). I furiously pound away at my keyboard, as if to underscore that what I’m working on is clearly very, very urgent and important. This plan hasn’t really worked yet. My co-worker remains undeterred, and continues to talk my ear off while I physically abuse my keyboard.

Pretend to play a computer game very, very intently. I’ve tried engrossing myself in Tetris while he talks. As with my first strategy, he ignores the fact that I’m ignoring him, and will actually sit there and watch me play (while still talking my ear off, of course). Occasionally, he will interrupt his monologue to offer a helpful suggestion as to where I should position that yellow piece falling from the sky. I’ve heard of backseat drivers, but a backseat Tetris player is a new one.

Saved by the phone. My other co-workers and I worked out a system. If they see I’ve been trapped by this co-worker, one of them will leave the area and call me from his or her cell phone. This worked rather well for awhile, until my talkative co-worker suddenly began scheduling his visits for between 4:00 and 5:00 – after my other co-workers had already left. So my phone strategy evolved. If I hear him coming, I can sometimes dash off a quick, panicky call to Dwight in the nick of time, so that I’m already deep in conversation before my co-worker arrives at my cubicle. I’ve even faked a phone conversation once or twice, until I suddenly realized how embarrassing it would be if my cell phone were to ring while I was talking quite energetically (to no one, of course) about weekend plans. Again, this worked for awhile, but now receives the same reaction as the first two techniques – instead of leaving, my co-worker will simply wait it out, staring at me until I get off the phone.

When all else fails, run. I’m ashamed to admit that sometimes, when I hear my co-worker coming around the corner, I actually scramble out of my chair and flee. One afternoon last week, I found myself aimlessly wandering the hallways, trying to kill time and avoid this guy.

I’ve debated whether or not to go to my supervisor with this problem, and tell her that this particular co-worker is intruding upon my productivity, but I fear that it would simply lead to a vague e-mail stating that “all non-work-related discussions should be kept to a bare minimum.” (That’s how things tend to be handled around here – nothing is ever dealt with specifically. If someone screws up, we all pay.) And that’s the thing – I love having non-work-related discussions with my co-workers, just not with this co-worker.

This week’s strategy is to just start leaving at 4:00 every day. This poses a slight challenge, because Dwight and I drive to work together, and he can’t leave work until 5:00. But, I’d rather sit outside in the car for an hour than have to try to avoid my co-worker. It’s simply getting too stressful.

This morning, Two-Headed Blog suffers from a politics-induced hangover.

Did you watch last night’s Democratic debate, and if so, what were your impressions of the candidates?

Chris Matthews reminds me of some precocious little kid who can’t believe he’s getting away with saying what he’s saying. Example: he asked one of the candidates when Congress was going to stop “dicking around.” Then, he looked around like he was so pleased with himself for getting away with it. I can’t wait until next week, when he moderates the Republican debate.

Okay. I’m really going to bed now. This is just getting ridiculous. Peace out.

Moving on from the slightly sleazy tone of the last post (and comments), I find it interesting how much effect the media has (on me, anyway). Meaning, as soon as the debate finished, I was rather neutral on Hillary Clinton. I didn’t much care for her before the debate, but her performance tonight impressed me somewhat. However, after watching the last couple hours of post-game analysis, I find myself growing more and more impressed with her.

I still love Gravel, though. Sorry.

I can’t believe I’m still blogging about this. It’s past my bedtime. Welcome to the life of a political junkie…I can heat this shit up in a spoon and inject into my veins.

Kucinich, little, pansy-ass ultra-left wing Kucinich, has himself a trophy wife!!!! She must be like, 30. Seriously.