Today was my last day at my current job. I start my new one tomorrow. So, so nervous…but that’s another post. What’s strange is how melancholy I’ve felt today. It felt so odd to clear out my desk and take all my things down off the walls of my cubicle. It felt weird to say goodbye to everyone. Even though I know I’ll soon see again the few people I DO care to see…I still almost shed a tear when I walked out for the last time. I’ve fantasized about quitting for years, so why do I feel so goddamned sentimental? It’s been a crazy three years there…some good memories and some not-so-good ones. I was taken out to lunch and received a cake, flowers and a $50.00 gift card to my favorite store. I’m excited (and a bit trepidatious) about starting a new job, but I can’t quite get my head out of the past just yet. I’m going to go have a drink and try to straighten myself out.

Isis, oh, Isis, you mystical child.
What drives me to you is what drives me insane.
I still can remember the way that you smiled
On the fifth day of May in the drizzlin’ rain.
—Bob Dylan, “Isis”

Last night was simply beautiful. Seddy and I met some friends at Galileo’s for drinks, Cinq fromage and poetry. Most of the poetry seemed quite substandard, at least to my (high?) expectations. But, a few poets were quite talented. “Coffee” & “Tapestry” were the best; one with her honest and humorous rants on society and sex, the other with his intensely intimate portraits of personal ugliness we often refuse to confront. In addition to their weekly poetry night, Galileo’s was hosting the Oklahoma finals for the National Poetry Slam. Seddy was a judge for the competition–she was cheered and jeered.

After the poetry concluded, we all adjourned next door to the Isis Cocktail Bar. Eventually, we made our way into a small pillow-filled room at the back of the establishment. It was a beautifully comfortable space. An intimate place to lounge and talk and confess. This was the most “strange” part of the evening…and my most favorite. It was strange in a way that I cannot honestly describe. It was comfortable and intimate in a way that I suppose I haven’t been immediately familiar with in some time. As the night grew longer, it began to feel like a familiar moment in early love. The moment when you’re lying with your lover in her bed and as she drifts off to sleep you are unsure of what to do next–fall asleep with her, continue or escalate the intimacy, or get up and go home, work, etc. What does she want you to do? Will you ever get back there again? Will it ever be this good again? How long can you hold on to the memory? Falling in love is full of these sensorial fleeting moments. For a moment last night, it felt just like that. It felt so wonderful, yet still so incomplete. If only there was a bit more time to make things better, more complete…to say or do one more thing. Unfortunately, the bar closed at 2am and my choice was made for me. It was time to go home.

I decided to embark on a mini-road trip yesterday afternoon. After researching an atlas of Oklahoma roads, I discovered that there existed a real-life ghost town about an hour and a half away. I grabbed my CD’s and my cigarettes, and hit the road after trading cars with Deadwords. I had intially intended to go to the National Lighter Museum in Guthrie (which seemed like the perfect, kitschy way to spend some time) but after discovering it was closed, decided to hit the Ghost Town. After traveling first down a two-lane highway, then two miles down a red dirt road, I arrived at the remains of Ingalls, OK. There was an old hotel, saloon, livery stable and general store/post office. It was absolutely incredible. I sat on a bench in front of the hotel and wrote the following:

I wanted to go the National Lighter Museum.
It was closed.
Instead, I went to a Ghost Town.
I sat in front of a boarded-up hotel and smoked a cigarette.
There was a hitching post.
I almost had a panic attack while crossing a wide river on a rickety old bridge, and-
I found out that my car can accelerate quickly to 100 mph when I want it to.
I took pictures of giant crosses and church signs.
I wondered why anyone would choose to live so far from civilization.
I looked death in the eye and walked away.
I came, I saw, I fled back to the city.

Is STAR WARS the Tool of Satan? Hmmm….I wonder.