Yesterday, I had the dubious pleasure of attending the “Get Motivated!” seminar at the Cox center. (Hey – it was an opportunity to get out of the office for a day.) As you can imagine, the arena was full of outgoing, enthusiastic, motivated people, people full of faith and patriotism. I felt like a lonely period in a sea of exclamation marks, and was strongly reminded of why I hate most people. Keep reading, and you’ll find out why.

The seminar was basically a series of commencement addresses, punctuated occasionally by some “financial wizard” hawking his workshop. There were elements of the bizarre: pyrotechnic displays, an inexplicable (and very ill-advised) white boy rap tribute to the 80s, and a “beach party dance-off.” And there were plenty of reminders that I was in Oklahoma, home to the “God and country” crowd. Red, white and blue streamers drifted down upon our heads as Colin Powell took the stage. The beach balls that were distributed among the crowd for the beach party dance-off were bedazzled with the Stars and Stripes. And there were innumerable references to God and faith. So many, in fact, that at times I felt I was not at a motivation seminar, but at a Sunday morning church service.

The worst offender was one of the financial gurus, James Smith. I knew it would be rough sailing when he opened by shouting, “How does it feel to live in the greatest country on Earth? Anyone who doesn’t think so can just get out! I don’t even care!” The crowd cheered raucously. Defiantly. As if they were really sticking it to that “Blame America First crowd.”

You go, crowd. Nothing says “I love my country” more than cheering at some financial pseudo-expert‘s pandering statements – well, except maybe a ribbon magnet on the back of your SUV.

Unfortunately, Smith was just getting started. He seemed to enjoy reminding us every five minutes how much he loves everyone, yet would follow each profession of brotherly love with some of the douchiest remarks imaginable. For example:

“I love each and every one of you here today, because you’re all created in God’s image. I can’t hate anyone who was created in God’s image. Yep, even this crazy-looking lady here on the fifth row, who’s looking at me all jacked up-like.”

“Now, I know some of you in here don’t believe in God. Some of you are atheists. That’s all right; you won’t always be that way. I still love you! God still loves you!”

“I love everyone, no matter what color they are. I once gave a truck to this Mexican guy who worked on my house. He didn’t want to take it at first, but I told him, ‘Don’t be the kind of Mexican who can’t take a gift.’ He got so excited he wouldn’t stop humping my leg.”

In retrospect, I should have gotten up and left, but I was too curious to see what dickish thing might come out of this guy’s mouth next. Of course, the crowd seemed to savor every moment. After Smith finished, a man seated behind me remarked to his companion, “That guy was hilarious.”

That’s when I got up and left – but not before catching a glimpse of the hordes of people flooding the information tables, where they could sign up for Smith’s workshop. They seemed anxious to find out how to “make their money work for them,” and excited by the “special deal” Smith cut just for them. What deal might that be, you ask? Well, it normally costs thousands of dollars for these top professionals to come out and work with you on how to manage your money. But since Smith is such a great guy, he’s cut the cost down to only $99! Just because you’re all such smart, special people! And he loves you so much! Yes, even you, crazy-looking lady in the fifth row!

It was like being in the studio audience at an infomercial taping. It was also a case study in gullibility. I’m irritated, but also a little saddened, by how many people fall for this crap.

Another speaker who had my eyes rolling was Steve Forbes, who spent half of his allotted time railing against taxes (what that has to do with motivation, I haven’t a clue). And he was violently railing against taxes – as in, “We need to kill the federal income tax, and drive a stake through its heart.” As one might expect in this part of the country, the crowd went wild. Oh, yes – everyone hates taxes.

Not all the speakers were so awful. I rather enjoyed Colin Powell and Laura Bush, who basically just related a few personal anecdotes. They were warm, humorous and self-deprecating, and offered a welcome relief from the aggressive “USA! USA! USA!” and “God! God! God!” motifs. I’ll also admit to having long harbored a weird fascination with Laura Bush – perhaps because she’s so quiet, or because of my theory that she’s secretly a hardcore liberal, or perhaps just out of bafflement at the mystery that someone who seems like a perfectly lovely, normal, intelligent person could marry George W. Bush.

Then, there was the famous Zig Zigler – motivational speaker extraordinaire. Poor old Zig, who seems like he should’ve retired twenty years ago, was trotted out by his family. It felt vaguely exploitative. The guy has lost a lot of his short-term memory, and could only answer a few questions posed to him, interview-style, by his daughter. We were also treated to some “vintage Zigler video clips.” Zigler’s family should just let the poor man find his way to a nice beach where he can chill out for the rest of his days. This was just a really uncomfortable scene to witness.

So, at the end of the day – was I motivated? I’m sure my answer will surprise no one: no. I wasn’t. I left the seminar motivated to do little else besides disengage completely from most of my fellow citizens.

I was distracted yesterday by such compelling subjects as earthquakes, outdoor running, and gardening mishaps – and failed to post a recap of Friday night’s Richard Dawkins lecture at OU. However, instead of crafting my own post, I’m opting for the lazy way out and referring you to ERV’s recap of the event, instead. It’s most thorough, and rather funny.

Just a few brief observations of my own:

Dawkins’s accent is simply adorable. Adorable. I admit to swooning, for just a moment. I could’ve listened to him all night.

Re: Crazy Guy. Although I was initially amused by the drama up in the nosebleed section, my mirth quickly turned to fear as he made his crazy, screamin’ and hollerin’ way down the stairs towards those of us on the floor. I was cringing a little, waiting for bullets to ring out – I never noticed that the guy had something duct taped to him. (How did he get past security, again?)

If you’re so inclined, a You Tube video of the incident can be found here.

The best part of the whole thing, though, was having the rare opportunity to spend the evening with so many (presumably) likeminded Oklahomans. I’m not used to feeling such a sense of peace and community. I just looked around at everyone with their copies of The God Delusion and The Selfish Gene, and their science-y t-shirts, and smiled.

Alas, I was unable to get a Richard Dawkins autograph. Although I’d brought my book, it was getting late when the post-lecture Q&A session finally ended, and I was hungry, thirsty and had to pee. I eyed what was already an intimidatingly long book signing line and decided against joining it.

Instead, Dwight and I headed to Blu for drinks, a late dinner, and good conversation. Seated next to us at the bar were a couple of girls. One had a copy of The God Delusion in front of her.

Yep – for one night, Oklahoma didn’t feel like Oklahoma.

Here in my own little corner of the world, I’ve been pleasantly out of the “Culture War” loop lately. I’ve been so heavily consumed by school and work and getting ready for my 5K run next week, that most of the daily onslaught of stupidity and annoyance has failed to register. I’ve found myself simply accepting as a matter of fact that several of our state legislators are perpetual embarrassment machines, churning out one humiliation after another. And the whole religion thing? Haven’t had much time to really care. I’ll let other people fight that fight.

It’s been nice. Really nice. And I hope to return to that state of relative obliviousness fairly soon. It’s just not going to be today. Here’s why.

Look what landed in my inbox this morning – it’s HR 1015, in all of its gleaming, embarrassing glory: 

WHEREAS, the University of Oklahoma is a publicly funded institution which should be open to all ideas and should train students in all disciplines of study and research and to use independent thinking and free inquiry; and

THAT a copy of this resolution be transmitted to the President of the University of Oklahoma, the Dean of the College of Arts and Science at the University of Oklahoma, and the Chair of the Department of Zoology at the University of Oklahoma.

WHEREAS, the University of Oklahoma has planned a year-long celebration of the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin and the 150th anniversary of Darwin’s theory of evolution, called the “Darwin 2009 Project”, which includes a series of lectures, public speakers, and a course on the history of evolution; and

WHEREAS, the University of Oklahoma, as a part of the Darwin 2009 Project, has invited as a public speaker on campus, Richard Dawkins of Oxford University, whose published opinions, as represented in his 2006 book “The God Delusion”, and public statements on the theory of evolution demonstrate an intolerance for cultural diversity and diversity of thinking and are views that are not shared and are not representative of the thinking of a majority of the citizens of Oklahoma; and

WHEREAS, the invitation for Richard Dawkins to speak on the campus of the University of Oklahoma on Friday, March 6, 2009, will only serve to present a biased philosophy on the theory of evolution to the exclusion of all other divergent considerations rather than teaching a scientific concept.

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED BY THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE 1ST SESSION OF THE 52ND OKLAHOMA LEGISLATURE:

THAT the Oklahoma House of Representative strongly opposes the invitation to speak on the campus of the University of Oklahoma to Richard Dawkins of Oxford University, whose published statements on the theory of evolution and opinion about those who do not believe in the theory are contrary and offensive to the views and opinions of most citizens of Oklahoma.

THAT the Oklahoma House of Representatives encourages the University of Oklahoma to engage in an open, dignified, and fair discussion of the Darwinian theory of evolution and all other scientific theories which is the approach that a public institution should be engaged in and which represents the desire and interest of the citizens of Oklahoma.

Oh, Rep. Thomsen (R-Ada), how proud you must be of such a fine resolution, one that urges an openness to all ideas, as long as they’re ideas you agree with. I doff my cap to you, good sir, as you claim your rightful place alongside the likes of Sally Kern, Randy Terrill and Randy Brogden as a Harbinger of Okie Shame.

As for tonight’s “controversial” Dawkins event, I’d already been super-psyched about going. I’ve been planning on getting there early, in hopes of scoring a good seat. And since there’s a book signing after the lecture, I’m hoping to get him to sign my copy of The God Delusion – or maybe even my boob.

Just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, after reading this stupid Resolution, I’m even more excited about tonight. It’ll be a needed reminder that not everyone in this state is a total Science Hater.

I’ve so far avoided writing about the whole Sally Kern shamefest that’s been humiliating the Sooner State, mostly because it’s a topic that has already been blogged about to death. I’ve had nothing to say on the matter that hasn’t already been said by other people, multiple times. While this remains true, and there’s absolutely nothing original about what is to follow, I find that I simply can’t take it anymore.

I have to vent.

That’s all this is. A (hopefully) cathartic expungement of all the disgust and impotent rage I’ve been trying to suppress for the last week or so. It’s going to sound mean and bitter, because dammit – I feel mean and bitter.

What finally did me in was this article containing the following quote from Kern. I’ve read before her complaint about the “gay agenda” (whatever that is) being forced upon our precious children, but this time it really put me over the edge:

You know why they’re trying to get early childhood education? They want to get our young children into the government schools so they can indoctrinate them. I taught school for close to 20 years and we’re not teaching facts and knowledge anymore, folks. We’re teaching indoctrination. We’re turning out a citizenry who are learners but not thinkers. By that I mean they take whatever’s thrown at them. They don’t question it.

Picture the veins popping out in my forehead, my body trembling with anger, as I spit out the words, “You. Can’t. Say. That.” “Indoctrination” in our public schools? Kids aren’t being taught “facts and knowledge” anymore? Really, Sally? Really? That’s really fucking rich, coming from the woman who brought you the Religious Viewpoints Anti-Discrimination Act:

House Bill 2211 declares that students may “express their beliefs about religion in homework, artwork, and other written and oral assignments” without being penalized or rewarded as long as their viewpoint is on the otherwise permissible topic.

In other words, a student can answer a test question by saying that the earth is 6000 years old, or that God makes rainbows, and that’s okay. Facts and knowledge, indeed. I also have a sneaking suspicion that Rep. Kern wouldn’t mind one bit if Christian theology were taught in public schools. “Indoctrination” is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

This woman makes me angrier than just about anyone else I can think of. She represents everything I despise about the social conservative movement, and everything I despise about living in this part of the country. Not only is she openly bigoted, she’s completely unrepentant about her intolerance. In fact, she seems to be defiantly proud of it.

You know what? I’ve made a reasonably sincere effort to be happy here in Oklahoma. I’ve tried to look on the bright side. I’ve tried to focus on the good things this state has to offer, and not allow myself to get too bent out of shape about the bad. But the last couple of weeks have pushed me to my breaking point. I hate that I live in a state where not only do we have unapologetically idiotic legislators like Sally Kern – many, if not most, of my fellow Okies seem to agree with her. I shudder to think how many fists were pumping in the air in solidarity after this story broke. I’m embarrassed to tell anyone – anyone – that I’m from Oklahoma. This is so utterly mortifying.

When I finish school, I’m going to make a serious effort to find a job elsewhere. I know there are Kern-like assholes in every part of the country, but perhaps I can find a place to live with a slightly lower concentration of them. The only other option I can see right now is suicide (or at the very least, some serious self-medicating). I honestly don’t think I can live in the same world with people like this. The fundamentalists have finally driven me to self-destruction. I hope they’re happy now. There’s one less heathen to kick around.

Okay – so the suicide talk may be little more than self-indulgent hyperbole, but I do feel the need to embark upon a week-long bender just to forget about all this crap. Seriously. How is someone with progressive values supposed to cope with this shit? Anyone have any survival tips they’d like to share?

I’m usually okay with Oklahoma City, and my place in it – until I visit Austin, that is. Suddenly, everything here seems unbearable – the city seems extra-ugly, the music scene extra-lame, the general atmosphere extra-repressive and intolerant. Everything I once liked about OKC is quickly forgotten. In fact, I begin to wonder what the hell I even liked about it in the first place. Everything seems flat. Drab. Boring. Nauseatingly conservative.

If I were to commission a panel to design and build a city just for me, just to meet my specifications, I suspect the end result might look a lot like Austin. It has everything I would want in a city. In fact, I feel much more comfortable in Austin than I do in OKC. I feel like I fit in, like I’m finally with people similar to myself, people who “get it.” I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for a very long time and once I get to Austin, I can let it all out in one big whoosh.

I’m home, ya’ll.

First, there’s the general aesthetic of the city. Austin is relatively compact – especially when compared to OKC, which is haphazardly sprawled out all over the damn place. It’s beautiful – the rolling hills, parks, lakes and trees galore make it seem like an immensely livable city. It’s dog-friendly (one bar we visited, The Ginger Man, even allows you to bring your dogs into the outdoor patio area before 9:00pm – I almost cried tears of joyful surprise when I heard this). It’s clean, and its residents seem to really care about keeping it that way. I would guess that a large percentage could safely be labeled “environmentally conscious.” I like that. And I have to mention the downtown skyline, which includes one incredible building that looks a little like something Fritz Lang may have once envisioned. I found myself quite taken with it, and spent a lot of time simply gazing at it from one rooftop patio on Sixth St.

The prevailing atmosphere in Austin seems to be very liberal, tolerant and accepting of everyone – gay, straight, white, black, Mexican, fat, thin – all are welcome. Austin is the perfect blend of a large, cosmopolitan city and a small, Southern town. It’s big, but not too big. It has everything you could possibly want, in terms of access to culture, shopping, and interesting restaurants, while remaining completely unpretentious. And, the people in Austin are terrific. I often hear Okies boast about how Oklahomans are the nicest people in the country, but after being in Austin, I have to respectfully disagree. Never have I been someplace where people will so often go out of their way to help you. (This has happened both times I’ve visited.)

Then, of course, there’s the live music. We caught two terrific shows while we were there. One of my favorite bands, the Flametrick Subs, hails from Austin and happened to be doing a show (along with my girl crushes, the Satan’s Cheerleaders) at Beerland Saturday night. We’ve seen them perform in OKC several times at Green Door (R.I.P.), so we were curious to check them out on their turf. The other show, a Flaming Lips tribute night at Stubbs, we just kind of stumbled upon. Both shows were incredible, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to have all of this music at your fingertips, all the time.

And, the shopping. Nearly everything I might want is there – independent record stores. Book stores. The mega-Whole Foods. The Ikea located just north of Austin, in Round Rock. I’m ordinarily not that into shopping, but all of these places make me want to blow entire paychecks in one delightfully gluttonous afternoon. Sweet, sweet Jesus.

Finally, Alamo Drafthouse. I don’t know if I can ever see a movie anywhere else, ever again. Unfortunately, the downtown location was still closed, so Dwight and I went to the one on S. Lamar to see the Simpsons movie. We ordered a bucket of Duff beer from the special Simpsons-themed menu, and if I hadn’t already have been so stuffed from the migas taco I’d devoured shortly before, I might’ve ordered Lisa’s Gazpacho. Or perhaps a pink doughnut.

I love a theater that doesn’t allow children under six, except into certain screenings of children’s movies (the downtown Alamo doesn’t allow children at all). I mean, come on. There are already enough places people can take their screaming spawn – I’d really like to see more sanctuaries for grown-ups who simply want to co-exist with other grown-ups (and maybe a few children, if they’re older and reasonably well-behaved). I enjoy being able to chill, maybe order some food and an alcoholic beverage, and not be forced to listen to someone’s baby cry for 90 minutes.

Once again, I’m struck by how lacking Oklahoma is. I don’t want to live in a community whose biggest selling point is that it’s “a great place to raise a family” (i.e. our citizens are mostly white, and we have plenty of crappy chain restaurants for you to choose from). No, I want to live somewhere that caters a little more to people like me, instead of to that perfect little blond-haired, blue-eyed Stepford family with 2.5 kids who goes to church every Sunday and drives a big SUV. Is that so goddamned wrong?

I’m sure Austin, like any city, has its drawbacks. The traffic kind of sucks. We sat through a fair amount of gridlock nearly every time we got on I-35, regardless of the time of day. I can only imagine what rush hour is like. The housing there is on the pricey side. And, since both times I’ve visited have been during the summer months, I have to wonder what it’s like after classes at UT have started up. Is there suddenly an abundance of cocky, loudly drunken frat boys, or is Austin big enough, and varied enough, to allow one to remain mostly frat boy-free if one chooses to?

I also suspect it might be a little difficult to be a Sooner fan way down there in the heart of Longhorn Land.

I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed this morning, to go to a stupid job that I suddenly hate more than ever – only to realize that all I have to look forward to is going home at the end of the day to a house that I suddenly hate more than ever, in a stupid, characterless, “great place to raise a family” suburb that I suddenly hate more than ever.

All I’ve been capable of doing all day long is quietly muttering various obscenities under my breath.